Since past Thursday I have been in a state of suspended in-between. I went to the dentist for your average "teeth cleaning" and they took an x-ray. Pretty standard. Until they saw a "black mark" on the x-ray that seemed concerning. They scanned again. The dentist said it was something suspicious and she recommend I get it checked out ASAP. As in, like, that day. HUH? I was confused.
You can imagine that as someone who has "found something suspicious before" - back in 2013 when I randomly discovered a lump on my thyroid that turned out to be thyroid cancer, that basically my worst fear was revealing itself right in front of me. I was angry. Like, why can't I just be left alone on this planet. Why can't a standard teeth cleaning just be OKAY? Yes, I get it. That is life, but I'm still allowed to be angry. But really, mostly I was scared.
So there I am a few hours later getting another scan at a specialist. Dr. can't really see it. Recommends another scan - this time in 3D. Lucky for us it is instant (yay digital advancement!) bad for us is that clear as day there is a mass. Not a cyst. Heart breaks a little bit. I literally curl my hands into my stomach. I can see the mass deep in my gum pushing my tooth. I start to cry. My partner is amazing and just holds my hand. He remains calm. God, how I love him in this moment.
Dr. says it does look suspicious and recommends a biopsy asap. He is of course a little alarmed that I'm freaking out but he gets it because getting a lump is nothing until it's something and then ALL lumps are scary. I know for most people this sort of thing may NOT be all that terrifying but I also know some people totally get it.
Before I know it I'm getting a gum surgery, there's drilling and I start humming to get it over with. He has to dig deep to get to the mass. I was supposed to be at lunch with a friend. My face hurts. I taste the weird numbing fluids and other unknown things. Ew.
And THEN we get to the waiting. The ol' "in between". After the procedure he says, "At this point there are no "what if's" we just have to see the result in five days". FIVE DAYS?!
I ask him to rush it. He says he will.
Then I go home and cry because my mind is all over the place. I'm filled with stress hormones and I'm just scared I'm going to die. Yes, I over-react. I hug my cat as if for the last time. I imagine half of my jaw removed. I I imagine being unable to sing - and how can that happen when my album is coming out in two months? My mind keeps going to worst case. I meditate. I breathe. I tell my body it's fine and benign. Just stop!!! I call every single family member and they reassure me. I feel their love so much in this moment and then I cry more because damnit LOVE IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I think, "Maybe this is my lesson?!" Blah blah always trying to place meaning on things aren't I? But it was working.
It was a long weekend but after the initial shock I felt a weird peace. I just kept playing nice music, taking baths, and got some acupuncture to the face. Anything to keep my nervous system calm. I also luckily had a three day workshop already scheduled and it kept my mind off things.
Until I got a call to make the appointment to come in for results on Tuesday. I wake up, dance to my yoga music, prepare myself for whatever it might be and get to the office. I sit down, brace - and he says, "There was a delay at the lab so we don't have the results yet". IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE UNIVERSE?
I get hot all over. My body is confused. She says, "Hey, I thought we were supposed to know by now?" I say, "Yes, I know, me too but now we have to wait longer okay? She says, "That's such bull!" I say, "I know".
Then she says, "I want a massage". I say, "Good idea".
It was a really good idea.
At this point I've convinced myself it must be benign because well, it just has to be okay? Also, the mind is funny and will convince you of anything to make you feel better. I'll take it.
And then the call comes today. An unknown number and I'm just printing something. I take a breath and brace again, picking up. It's the doctor. He says, "Blah blah BENIGN blah blah". That's all I hear. That's all I care to hear. A weight is lifted. I am okay.
I may still need surgery and may have to remove teeth.
But yes, I am okay.
And I love this earth, and planet, and family and partner and life and breath and and...
I am finally calm.
I am going to try and make this thing go away with my mind.
Is that a thing?